I need a vacation or something. I just need to get away from this stupid city. I don't know why anyone would want to live here. It smells, it's dirty, it's expensive, and it's crowded. But somehow, if I had to choose where to go to college it would be here. I just wish I could go home over breaks like everyone else. At this point I have been living in NYC nonstop for over a year. So much has changed and I just feel so crappy. I really just want to go home. I know things are completely different there but at least it's an atmosphere where I can be myself and possibly be happy. Here, I'm only happy when I'm with Matt because other than that I'm just alone or at least feeling alone. I'm not saying I want to go home forever, I just mean over breaks, because I do want to go to school here. It's just that people here (at my school) aren't really anything like me...but then again I'm a horrible friend maker. I'm just really shy I guess. I don't know.... all I know is that I want to go home. I miss my family, I miss my friends, and I miss my house! I miss the country, the fresh air, and the trees! Now that spring is pretty much here I'm just thinking about how amazing I feel at home in the spring and summer. Things are just perfect there when the weather is nice. Here, no matter what the weather is, it sucks!!! When it gets nice here I like to go to central park or battery park because they are sort of secluded from the honking, I lay on the grass and pretend I'm in my backyard.

     The only thing I'm looking forward to is mid-july. I'm going to be a counselor at camp for a month!!!! I cannot wait! I'll be pretty much home then for a while. Right now I just have so much to do, no time to do it, and feeling like crap all the time isn't helping. I'm waiting on a letter from LIU to let me know they've accepted me to transfer there in the fall. I like to speak it into existence. But I'd like to think if I got into Pace then I should definitley be able to get into LIU without a problem. After this semester, which ends about two weeks into May--I have no idea where I'm going! I need to stay in the city because I have a great job here... but once again, WHERE am I going to live!!!??? Last year after a rushed room hunt I ended up staying with Matt and his family. I'm greatful that I was allowed to stay there but I don't want to do it again...not that I've even had the offer...MAN! I just feel overwhelmed. I don't know what to do or where to go... I don't know if I'm doing the right things at all. I don't know anything except that I can't stop crying because I feel like crap and I'm just so tired of being here.

I was holding on, now I'm letting go

This is nothing more than some kind of show

Everything I knew, now I hardly know

Stuck keeping less, never getting more

 I really don't know what to do anymore. I have anxiety or something... I need to watch my Zachy video....